if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
