My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
