just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
