No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My pussy is not your playground.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
