Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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