great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
