I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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