How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
