a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
