Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
it glows. i had to have it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
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My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
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You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize