You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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