I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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