you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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