I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
