Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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