Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
