My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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