those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
