I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
