"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
