My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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