Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize