I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
