He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Congratulations! We have a period
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