So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
