You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
