I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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