so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
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Less talking, more tequila
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
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The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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