Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
