What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
