Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
