A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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