This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize