mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
