Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
