My first STD was from a foam party
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
