fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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