Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
