Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
