Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
