i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
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Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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