From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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