i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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