Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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