I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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