You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
