Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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