so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I would fuck him just for his dog
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