Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
