No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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