My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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