I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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