I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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