I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
