M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
