There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
