i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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