The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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