Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
